I feel like every time I open my eyes, I’m back on a plane. This past weekend, I opened my eyes and saw I was alone, on a plane.  I had arrived in Austin, TX. I had just taken a short flight, on a tiny plane, from Houston to Austin, since I took connecting flights to save some dolla dolla bills. There were only about 12 rows, and I was in the last one. The flight attendant sat across from me for the majority of the flight. I’m pretty sure my eyes closed as we touched down and when I awoke, the plane was empty except for the attendant cleaning it up front. This type of situation just feeds into my conspiracy that I am often invisible to others — it seems it would have been easy enough for the attendant to just give me a little poke! I grabbed my luggage and sprinted off the plane before the next group of passengers could board and trap me in there. My spirits lightened as I walked past several stores in the airport that had t-shirts and other crap with “Keep Austin Weird” written on them. I like weird things. My weekend was awesome and Austin lived up to its name. Here are 10 examples of what keeps Austin weird:

10. It is hot as the Devil’s balls in Austin, and no one there seems to notice. I’m talking burn the bottom of your feet by the pool, hot. I saw several joggers out and about, and the restaurants were filled with people eating outdoors, even though an air-conditioned haven was welcoming them inside.

9. Their people are nice. For no reason. Like this handsome gentleman in the photo below, who sent a bottle of champagne our way. He was on his own mini “bachelorette” weekend aka he was not interested in sleeping with any of us. 

8. They let you bring dogs to bars! While this seems like an unnecessary risk for a bar, it makes every gentleman holding a leash way more attractive than those without.

7. We walked along 6th Street and several bars offered us all (we were 11 girls) free drinks if we came into their bar. One guy asked if we would please just dance on their stage in exchange for some bevies. We’ll take your free drinks but we play by our own rules.

Enjoying our free drinks and ignoring our dancing on stage responsibilities.

6. The people in Austin are polite, even when the situation doesn’t call for it. I wish I could say I was there for this, because the young Texans would have lucked out, but I only heard second hand. A group of my friends were heading back to their hotel room when they were approached by a young Texan and his soon to be married, even younger, 22-year old brother. The young Texan wanted, as all best men do, to give their groom the best night possible; he wanted for his brother to touch a boob. The girls said they were referred to as “ma’am” and the words “please” and “would be so kind” were also in the mix, and it took about 20 minutes for him to finally make his request. My friends declined.

5. We had two drivers who took us out to go tubing down the San Marcos river, Kyle and Jason. Both referred to the other as Mr. Kyle and Mr. Jason. Both were most likely younger than we are. 

4. For most of us, our idea of tubing is floating down the lazy river at the Atlantis Resort. Somehow, Austin has made floating down the river into an all day event.

San Marcos River – can you imagine how much pee is in there?

3. We all watched, in fear, as a young child tried to stand on his tube and balance on two feet, while in shallow water. We commented that our parents would be freaking out if we acted in that manor. To prove that parents in Austin are not like the neurotic Jewish ones that we are oh so familiar with, the boy’s father then yelled out “now, try to do a flip!”

2. Shit goes down on the river. A teenage couple in two different tubes tried to stay together while floating down the river by sticking their tongues down each others throats. To tighten her grasp, we watched her perform the never before seen U.W.H.J (underwater hand-job).

1. And lastly, this cab driver here:

 
Some people can’t just relax and enjoy all that Austin has to offer; instead they live in fear of the “shadow government.” My commentary is in hopes that by agreeing with him, he wouldn’t drive us off the road and into hiding with him.

From one weird person to any others who are reading this, you should check Austin out. I give it two burnt feet up.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comment *