Back when I graduated college, I went on two job interviews, and got offered both jobs. One was as an assistant at Yahoo! and the other was to be an executive assistant to the head of a new advertising agency. I took the advertising job. To think, if I had taken the Yahoo! one I’d probably be napping right now in one of Google’s EnergyPods; I’d have to assume the only reason to work at Yahoo! is to leave and get in with Google, right? Five years later, I live in Los Angeles and I am struggling to get my next assistant job. In New York, if you are an assistant and almost thirty, you are a loser. That may sound harsh, but I wouldn’t date you and neither would the cast of Princesses of Long Island. You probably aren’t the brightest Hanky Panky in the drawer and you probably weren’t Marketing Student of the Year, The Wall Street Journal Leadership Award Recipient and probably didn’t graduate college Sigma Cume Laude (I hate to brag, but I’m feeling pretty down about myself, so if this pathetic attempt to make myself feel better is transparent, well, deal with it). It was quite the change when I moved out to LA and learned that people in the entertainment industry pretty much fall into two categories –“those who have made it” and “assistants.” As my readers know, I am searching for a job. I’ve gone on a handful of interviews, but thus far, someone with “more experience” has been hired in all scenarios. More experience as an assistant. A job that as an east-coaster I was taught was for 21-year-olds fresh out of college, not someone my age. I may not have experience as an assistant “to writers” or as a “personal assistant” but I’ve been an assistant in several capacities. I even interned, back before America had even seen a black president, I was doing the work of “an assistant.” So the rejection I’ve been frequently experiencing has been hard for my NY-brain to register. I’ve always gone by Kanye’s philosophy “th-that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger,” but I’m starting to think that Kanye may not be right on this one. I have to believe that someone who is so much like Jesus must know what’s best. After all, North West is a stellar baby name and Beyonce did have one of the best videos of all time. But, I wonder…

Most recently I was up for a job that would change my life. I guess you can say that about any job, but I mean it in the most dramatic way possible since I’m allowing myself one more day to mourn its loss. It was to be a personal assistant to one of my biggest comedy influences — anyone who can get paid big money to sing about genitalia is a hero of mine. I thought the interview went great. I definitely had a case of verbal dyanarrhea but in a good way, like when you feel ten pounds lighter after. I took everyone’s advice to “just be myself.” I focused way more on myself than any facet of the job, because being an assistant, at least to me, seems pretty basic. I guess I haven’t figured out how to articulate that I am qualified; the best reason I can think of is “because I’m not a moron.” Unfortunately, the job was given to someone who has a “ton of personal assistant” experience. Maybe I’m not cut out to be an assistant.  Honestly, I’d say I’m more of a person who could use an assistant. My closet is a mess and I have a hard time making a sandwich. I really want a dog bu I have no desire to walk it and pick up after it takes a dump. So please, if you’re interested email me at unpaidwriter_assistant@gmail.com.  Experienced required, this is not an entry-level position.

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